Too Much TV

I think I might be watching too much TV.  I can't recall exactly when I came to that conclusion or even the reason I feel that way. It isn't that I'm not getting enough exercise or displaying violent tendencies from watching too many shoot-em-up movies.  It's more like I'm getting more cynical.  I can't watch TV any more without making it interactive.  I ask impertinent questions, make snide remarks and fire off side splitting quips constantly. I think I come by it honestly though.  I think I get it from my sister, my oldest sister, the poet.  And while her poetry does not seem to be in all regards cynical, her TV watching behavior, as I recall, is.  For those of you who believe that our personality traits are in any way genetically derived, let me assure you that I understand that one can't inherit from one's sister so when I said I come by it honestly, I merely meant that we share a common gene pool.  For those who believe that environment plays an equal role, I refer to my early environment because I really can't remember a time that I didn't have an older sister.  For those who have never had an older sister, you won't be at a disadvantage here because the main theme is not my sister.  As I have expressed many times in the past, this is always about me.  The only reason I even mentioned my sister is to fill up some space and because now that she has all those book royalties rolling in one may in fact be able to inherit from one's sister.  But I'm not in any hurry for that.

I should tell you what cynical means although I suspect I may not know myself. My 1983 version of Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary shows two definitions of cynic. If capitalized, it means an adherent of an ancient Greek school of philosophers who held the view that virtue is the only good and that its essence lies in self-control and independence. Perfect.  That sounds just like my sis. Notice, however, that it is not capitalized so let's just forget that one.  The definition I'm talking about is a faultfinding captious critic. Yes, that's right, captious.  Ok, I didn't know either but Webster says captious is marked by an often ill-natured inclination to stress faults and raise objections.  Now that's what I'm talking about! With this one little caveat: Ill-nature is something that I have never associated with myself and although I have observed it in my sister, it has only been occasionally and for the briefest moment.

In my case, the cynicism derived from watching TV comes not so much from the programming, but from the commercials.  Don't jump to the conclusion that I don't like commercials. In fact I do. I find some entertaining, some informative and some not so much of either.  I love the gecko, that little attention-seeking twit who thinks that everything he says and does is so charming.  I know it's a stretch but I can almost see myself in him sometimes.  I've been told his animation seems much more realistic than mine, however, and that is probably the reason I'm limited to the written word. His message, though, is the kind of thing that can inspire my captiousness to new heights.  When taken with every other insurance commercial we are expected to believe that every company can save us four hundred dollars over every other company. I guess we know where government accountants go when they leave the Congressional Budget Office.

I can't help but yell at the toilet paper ad that demonstrates the ability to support a stack of wet quarters.  The day I start crapping quarters is the day I quit buying toilet paper.  That will be the day that I will start to enjoy the go.  Or more likely the day I get constipated and have to call the bank to make a direct withdrawal request.  The drug ads are another source of captious inspiration.  Any affliction that you can name, there's a cure for that.  With a good chance that when you do get cured you may experience liver damage, high blood pressure, dry mouth, excessive sweating or pain and swelling in your legs.  If your having vision problems talk to your doctor but if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, get to the emergency room. And if you have travelled to a region known for exposure to certain viruses, tell your doctor immediately. He sure as hell doesn't want to book that cruise for his next vacation. Mesothelioma?  There hasn't been any asbestos around for thirty years but there is still, depending on which law firm is doing the counting, 16 to 30 billion dollars in a trust fund somewhere and it's driving the lawyers crazy.

But the one that drove me to say "What is this world coming to?", was the add for the 800 number to call if you need assistance fitting an incontinence pad. This is not for everyone.  This is for people who are having trouble finding a pad that fits.  How misshapen would you have to be to cause a pad to leak because it couldn't get a good seal? I've always had good luck with Form-A-Gasket when the pan gasket is leaking, but I'm not sure they even make it anymore. They display several different major brands and claim to have trained counselors standing by to help you make the perfect choice.  I couldn't help wonder what kind of training one would have to endure to get qualified to be an incontinence pad counselor.  And how would that fitting session actually go? Considering my experience with customer service reps, I don't even want to go there. My greatest hope is that you never have this problem and if you do well, know that I'm laughing with you and not at you. And if you are a professional, certified incontinence pad fitter, know that I'm laughing with you to your face but at you behind your back.  That's what cynics do.

While blogging is normally a stress relieving activity, I'm afraid I will have to terminate it at this point. I'm feeling a bit captious and I'm afraid there might be and ill-natured inclination right around the corner.  Perhaps I should go call my sister.